BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE PREVIEW SPECIAL! woohoo! BOX OFFICE SURVEY! Surpassing all industry guesstimates by leaps and bounds, the Spiderman movie grossed an incredible 114 million dollars this weekend, leaving all previous box office records in its wake like so many broken dinosaur bones and rusted out Tie-fighter chasis. Yer old pal Jerky suspects his special comic book edition of the Daily Dirt pushed old Spidey over the edge, but he'll leave that for the historians to decide. Whatever the cause, Spiderman's monstrous monetary success has set entertainment industry heavyweights tongues a-wagging in anticipation of what they feel is shaping up to be the best summer in a long line of somewhat disappointing blockbuster seasons. Between now and Labor Day, over a hundred movies are set to hit the screens. Which ones will be hits and which ones flops? Yer old pal Jerky offers up his own predictions… SURE HITS! Star Wars, Episode II: George Lucas Apologizes - As long as he keeps passing the hi-tech hat, Lucas's cult-like following is sure to continue dropping their greasy denominations into it. Austin Powers: Goldmember - Everybody loves jokes where bucktooth Brits drink a fat man's diarrhea. And you just gotta know this flick's loaded with 'em. The Tuxedo - Jackie Chan plays a simple man who dons a magic tuxedo that gives him super fighting abilities. With a concept this stupid, this one is bound to be huger than a Billy Ray Cyrus comeback tune. About a Boy - Whoremonger Hugh Grant is so dreamy delicious, he's gonna make your girlfriend drag you to this picture by force, therefore ensuring this romantic comedy brings in boffo BO (barf!). Men in Black 2, Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams, and Stuart Little 2 will have the sequel market cornered. CERTAIN FLOPS! The Sum of All Fears - Every Jack Ryan movie has been a hit. But this one stars Ben Affleck in the Alec Baldwin/Harrison Ford role. Never send a boy to do a man's job. Especially not a chunk-headed preppy fuck like Ben Affleck. K-19: Widowmaker - Speaking of Harrison Ford, do you want to see him play a renegade soviet nuclear sub commander? No? Me neither. Therefore, this bank-busting epic's box office will probably make widows out of more than a few studio heads. Reign of Fire - in the post-apocalyptic future, Matthew McConaughey fights dragons. Gimme a fucking break. DARK HORSE CONTENDERS! Minority Report - Smart sci-fi is always a risk, but maybe Cruise's star power will help this one survive the brainiac backlash that sank Gattaca and AI. XXX - Vin Diesel is a monster, and this extreme sports / secret agent flick is sure to please action fans. Check out the Hulk trailer at www.thehulk.com! HOLY SHIT!!!

ON THIS DAY! May 6 On this day in 1937, the Hindenburg zeppelin bursts into flames upon landing at a Lakehurst, New Jersey air-field, killing 36 of the 97 passengers on board. NBC Radio's Herbert Morrison witnesses the horrifying calamity and is overcome with emotion during an infamous live, coast-to-coast radio broadcast. "OH, THE HUMANITY!!!" Later on that same day, upon learning that the deceased were mostly wealthy Germans, Morrison cheered up a little. Also, this day is a real bad vibes day for our neighbors to the north… on this day in 1917, the French munitions ship Mont Blanc catches fire and explodes into a huge, shrapnel-spewing fireball in Halifax harbor, killing nearly two thousand people in that relatively small port city. Also on this day, in 1989, Mark Lepine walks into a University of Montreal engineering class, waving a rifle and screaming about "feminists." He orders all the men to leave the classroom, then proceeds to shoot the 14 remaining women, one by one. This incident remains Canada's worst mass-murder.

THEY SAID IT! “Today, Americans would be outraged if U.N. troops entered Los Angeles to restore order. Tomorrow, they will be grateful. This is especially true, if they were told there was an outside threat from beyond – whether real or promogated – that threatened our very existence. It is then that all the peoples of the world will pledge with world leaders to deliver them from this evil. The one thing that every man fears is the unknown. When presented with this scenario, individual rights will be willingly relinquished with the guarantee of their well-being, granted to them by their world government.” - So declared deep-insider Henry Kissinger at the annual Bilderberg Conference, 1991. One has to wonder what, if any, steps have been taken in the interim to make said theoretical scenario a reality. *** *** *** "I remember when I was in school, the kids would have a crush on the teacher. Not the other way around. What does a 15-year-old boy have to offer an adult?" - Teachers seducing their teenaged students... the disturbing trend continues. Where were these horny broads when yer old pal Jerky needed'em?!

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Diane... Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!" The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold." "Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!" "Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time." The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. "This is great," thought the captain, "before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!" This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!" "You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Do you remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?" "Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!" "Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!" *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Henry Bent... A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when the last one is finally ready to hit the ball, she hacks at it and it only goes about 10 feet. She walks up to it and hacks away again... another 10 feet. After the third time, she looks up at the men waiting and says, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies, "Maybe you should have taken golf lessons instead." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst jokes are in memorium to Linda Lovelace. Q: You hear about how Linda Lovelace died? A: Her car crashed when she blew a tire and she blew right thru the windshield. Q: Did you hear about the car that ran into Linda? A: It was a Hummer. Q: How did Linda Lovelace's fans take the news of her death? A: They were all choked up. Q: How did Linda Lovelace react to her death? A: It was hard to swallow. Linda Lovelace to St. Peter: "I'm dead? Gee, that sucks."

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky; The ONLY reason FALLEN CATHOLICS like yourself reject church teachings is that you want to be able to party and skin around without the guilt. You people could GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIGHT, so don't give me that I STARTED TO THINK bullshit. Of all the fallen celebrity Catholics Heather Graham is the only one who every admitted she wanted to screw around without the millstone of guilt around her neck. You and the rest will all be back even if it's on your deathbeds. Remember, ONCE A CATHOLIC ALWAYS A CATHOLIC and that's no BULLSHIT! Signed: Bill Dear Bill; After going over your letter a few times, yer old pal Jerky made a startling discovery. If you put every word written in ALL-CAPS end-to-end, you get the following: ONLY FALLEN CATHOLICS - GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIGHT - I STARTED TO THINK - ONCE A CATHOLIC ALWAYS A CATHOLIC - BULLSHIT! Yer old pal Jerky can only draw two possible conclusions from such a contradictory subliminal display. Either a) you are a fellow-traveling atheist trying to pass yourself off as a stereotypically angry ranting Catholic, and you left the above encoded message as a clue to the truth, or b) you really are an angry ranting Catholic, but something has caused you to re-evaluate your previously unquestioned beliefs... a re-evaluation that has subconsciously manifested itself in your letter. In other words, yer old pal Jerky has turned you into an atheist against your will, and you don't even know it yet! Cheers! YOPJ

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TODAY'S TOPIC: THE UNABOMBER'S GIRLFRIEND'S MANIFESTO! Care of: monkeyjo@earthlink.net. This is my theory on synthetic fabrics. I think all this nylon & polyester are cancer causing. There is so much breast cancer out there & what is causing it? I remember my Mom use to wear cotton bras & panties & when all the nylon came in style I started getting a butt rash that was like diaper rash & then yeast infections. My gynecologist, Dr. Love, no shit that was his name. He looked like Steve Mc Queen, he said don't wear nylon any more, wear cotton, that was back in the 70's & he was a very smart doctor cause I would have maybe gone thru life having a pimply ass. Oh yea by the way I had a terrible case of endometriosis which probably started at a young age & it was 20 years of scaring before I had a hysterectomy & I wonder what the tampax used to be made of??? I noticed now that they are starting to line the bra cups with cotton at least I think some Wonder Bras are, but still no lining on the rest of the ugly crappy feeling things. The whole damn thing should be made out of organic cotton & only 5% lycra or if it needs some more elastic cover it completely with cotton. No polyester should ever touch the skin, I have had a dermatoligist tell me that I should never wear or sleep or have it touching me cause I am allergic to it. When I ask the loungerie sales persons about having cotton bras they say the customers are always asking for them but what is out there? A sea of polyester! Have you ever noticed that you can buy something that says it is 100% cotton & it isn't, like no fucking way is this cotton! Have you ever noticed that a 100% cotton item of clothing will always have a polyester tag on it touching your spine?! You know the tag that is always itching your neck or your lower back on your pants. I think that polyester should be illegal. I cannot stand to ever wear a bra any more cause of the fucking razorblade feeling around my very large chest which is size 39! Or those straps! All they need to do is to cover elastic with thick organic soft cotton. I would love to be a clothes designer cause I have so many ideas that have not come out yet & there would be a market for my clothes line cause it would fit a life style or it would make sense. Cotton does not have to be little girl nor does it have to be dowdy. It could be laced or it could be sexy styles. I have had the hardest time trying to find socks any more that are cotton with a little lycra. I just found some at my local Fred Meyers store & they even had some in cotton & hemp! I think it also has 5% of lycra. 5% of something is alot better that 100%. [In the interest of space conservation, I have clipped a redundant chunk from this essay. - Jerky] How bout a cotton bathing suit that I have had for over 15 years & it still looks good? I just recently bought some Merrels shoes & they are comfortable but they have poly or nylon that rubs into my ankles so I am ready to take them back because of the pain of that razor type material. [More clipping, here. - Jerky] You know why it feels so good to put on some jeans & a t-shirt? Cause it is natural clothing, soft breathable material. [Clip a few entire paragraphs. - Jerky] From hats to coats to pants to underwear to gloves to shoes, we need to get back to natural materials if we want to live longer! I really believe it is a thing right out of the twilight zone with all the shit there is out there. We need to all type to our clothing stores & ask them to stop buying all that cheap mass produced old plastic bottles or whatever all that itchy crap is made of. What happened to silk stockings or silk bras & panties? When will they stop all the uncomfortable torture of these un godly torture chambers they call bras! Thanks for listening! Nicole [I'm sorry, Nic! I must have been momentarily distracted. Could you repeat that? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com